Life

Alfred Hitch-SuckMy-Cock | BonerFruit


Nicely, it’s June finally, and it seems to be like Mom Nature is lastly able to adjust to my need to as soon as once more wander the grand outdoor half-naked, with out concern of freezing my balls off if a brazen cloud decides to place itself unceremoniously in entrance of the blazing-ball-of-warmth-in-the-sky that I really like and admire a lot.

As I equipped for a morning run, I spotted shorts and a t-shirt can be greater than sufficient to face the weather. Fuck yeah! However a couple of fast stretches revealed some tenderness in my stumpy legs… maybe I pushed a little bit too onerous to squeeze in a 10K jaunt yesterday. A 24-hour relaxation session would have been a extra sensible resolution, however it was too good out to go up a tour strolling by means of the little parkette simply north of my dad and mom’ home, so I mentioned fuck it, let’s rock!

As I hit the streets, my physique instructed me within the first 30 seconds the plan for a 5K run was a piss-poor concept. It mentioned, “Look jackass, at present ain’t the day for this. I would like some therapeutic time. Should you’re hellbent on being exterior this morning, go for a stroll. If you wish to run, you’ll remorse it.”

Bah, no matter.

Because the waves of ache rapidly inundated my left calf and proper ass cheek, I instantly retorted to my physique, “Look dude, we’ve been by means of this earlier than! You’ll loosen up, ease into the zone, and earlier than we each comprehend it, we’ll be skippin’ previous the duckies swimming within the river, lovin’ each second of the expertise, ache forgotten!”

A kilometre and a half later although, nothin’ felt proper, sparking the thought: Why the fuck do I all the time really feel the necessity to push myself when my physique says no? What the fuck am I making an attempt to show right here?

In that on the spot, a chicken swooped laterally throughout my working route.

I’m conversant in this sight. It occurs dozens of instances after I’m driving recklessly in my automobile down the nation backroads, and all the time assume, “Fuck dude, you have been virtually feathers mangled in my grill! Should you can fly, simply do it 10 ft over the freeway. Or 100, or a thousand. Why do you airborne critters insist on tempting destiny?”

In order the cacophony of self-generated dialogue incessantly rolled by means of my muddled mind, a brand new ache arose… one I used to be utterly unprepared for…

Have you ever ever had a dream the place your dentist was actually fucking drunk, and began drilling into your head as a substitute of your enamel?

I haven’t.

Have you ever ever had a nightmare the place eagle talons and beaks punched holes into your cranium since you have been a disgusting filthy orc, unworthy of travelling by means of the sacred realm of Gandalf’s excessive highway?

By no means occurred to me both.

However now I do know what that ache looks like in the actual world.

After the fly-by flash of black wings marked with single crimson spots, my subsequent reminiscence was a cranium on fireplace.

“Christ, what the fuck!” I yelled out.

I used to be below assault from the sky.

Shadows swooped and shadows pecked. Shadows clawed and shadows gnawed. My sluggish run rapidly turned a hundred-metre sprint that will have put Ben Johnson and performance-enhancing medicine to disgrace.

I’m guessing I jogged by a covert nest, however no matter winged creature I pissed off was in no temper to barter my ignorant trespass. I used to be being blitzkrieged by claws and peckers, and the ache in my calf rapidly turned irrelevant to the newfound inflictions flaming the highest of my cranium.

With the playground lastly open as soon as once more, after the newest iteration of this province’s faux virus lockdown, I can’t say for certain who witnessed my chicken assault spectacle, however my cries of “FUCK OFF! STOP IT! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING! WHY, FUCKER, WHY?” simply echoed into the space of the final 3K I hoped to run.

As my tempo quickened, each ornithoid form my eyes might detect turned a possible risk. The fuckers have been swimming, the fuckers have been waddling about on the bottom, and 1000’s (effectively, possibly dozens) have been gliding effortlessly within the sky, able to rain down ache at any second. From a survival standpoint, I used to be completely fucked.

Finally I calmed down, and made it again to secure shelter. However within the writing of this piece, I haven’t felt a second’s safety every time I hear a tweet, chirp, or whistle. Fucking geese are flying en-masse proper now in strategical formations someplace over my fucking head!

Once I instructed my dad concerning the excruciating ache of the unwarranted chicken assault, he solely had one concern:

Did they shit on you?

Fuck.

Be aware to self:

When the physique says keep residence, keep the fuck residence.

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Back to top button